Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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