I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
