Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
