i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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