I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
