The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
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