you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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