I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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