It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
