I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Randomize
