Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
