She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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