my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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