So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
