I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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