Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
