Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
