there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
