Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
