Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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