You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
