i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
