i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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