i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
