i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
