We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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