Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Found your dick twin last night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
