it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
