They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
