What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
