I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I just blew my weed a kiss
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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