I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
