You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
