The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
