If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Dick very happy bro
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
