We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
