actually, I'm a sock model
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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