Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
