Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
