If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
