I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
