Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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