She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
