It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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