I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
