My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
