I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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