I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
we're so committed to being not committed
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I see more hoeing in ur future
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
