The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
