So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
