remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
